I am the thing that non-smoking fanatics hate most: An ex-smoking “day-walker.” I stopped smoking, and yet I still stand up for smokers’ rights. Actually, it’s just the one right: The Right Not to Have to Deal with The Exceptionally Whiny, None of Whom Were Popular as Kids, and So Now They’re Out To Pathetically Re-Live Their High School Years, This Time as Big Man On Campus.
Let’s call it “The Right,” for short.
Case in point: “The Right” in New York is again under assault from non-smokers, who now wish to ban the practice at parks and beaches. This, seven years after scoring a victory in the city’s bars. I am against this move (though I suspect it will pass) for the following reasons:
1. Yes, by the way, I stopped smoking. About two months ago. More about that in a later post.
2. Non-smoking evangelists don’t seem to have a problem with the carbon monoxide they’re forced to inhale as they trek the ever-crowded streets of New York on the way to the park. Nor the hot dogs they scarf down once there. But dear God! A smoker? Several feet away? Cough, cough: remember me … New York, if you didn’t know, is full of actors; not all of whom are on stage.
3. Second-hand smoke in an outdoor area, where air currents (smarter than the average air) abscond with the contents of picnic baskets, is different from smoke that stagnates in dorm rooms and after-hours bars. Kites are based on this fact.
4. The idea that non-smokers are crowded out of parks by second-hand smoke — that there are gangs of smokers pushing respectable non-smoking citizens out of the parks — is laughable. As is the idea that the only way they can reclaim “their” parks is via Big Brother. Parks are rather large beasts and have room enough for everybody. Frisbees are based on this fact.
5. I wish there were gangs of smokers, though. Or even one, with a leader who, once every year at sunset, climbs atop the statue at Columbus Circle and shouts “CARNIVAL!!!!! — which is the sign for smokers to rain down upon the groveling, the helpless and the whiny. I’m a day-walker, remember.
6. Have you ever tried lighting a cigarette on a beach? It’s like counting by sevens while someone shouts, “24! 87! 3! 19! 19! 4!” in your face. You can do it. But it takes an exceptionally long period of time.
7. If this passes — and likely it will — sidewalks are next. Not immediately, but they’re the next, obvious domino to fall. Then domiciles. And thus will end all smoking in New York City, just about the time Mayor Chavez Bloomberg completes his fifth term.
Let’s be frank: Non-smokers’ first inclination in these situations is to tattle to Big Brother, because 30, 40 and even 50 years later, they’re still the same, friendless 8-year-olds they were back in the day; kids who still associate with other non-smokers more by default than decision.
Grow up, non-smokers. Grow up.
Leave a Comment
No comments yet.
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
